BREAKING: Gahanna City Council Meeting Results

“Council votes to install Breathalyzers outside all local bars after too many residents claimed they were ‘just having one drink’ before stumbling home at 2 AM. One Councilperson abstained, citing personal conflicts.”

“New ordinance: All couples caught arguing loudly in public areas must attend mandatory ‘Keep Your Drama at Home’ workshops at the Senior Center, taught by King Bill with Relationship Skillz. Council notes this should reduce calls to police by 60%.”

“Council approves hiring ‘Public Bathroom Quality Inspector’ after complaints about local bar and gas station restrooms. Position requires strong stomach, knowledge of Restroom practices at a Buc-ees, and hazard pay. No applicants yet.”

“Emergency budget approved for citywide ‘Mind Your Own Business’ campaign after neighbors keep reporting suspicious activities that turn out to be people living their normal lives. A representative from the Police Department noted that a good amount of calls come from concerned citizens who peaked in high school”

“Council votes 6-1 to require all residents to honk twice before entering roundabouts to ‘maintain community spirit.’ One Councilperson was the lone dissenter, arguing three honks would be more patriotic.”

“New traffic enforcement: Drivers caught picking their nose at red lights now subject to $50 ‘Dignity Violation’ fine. Revenue expected to fund the conversion of Creekside into a mini Bridge Park with three times the rent price.”

“Lastly in a unanimous end of meeting vote, the song Taste the Biscuit by Toasters ‘N’ Moose was named the official anthem of Gahanna”