Bologna Barrage Causes Chaos

A local man, identified as Scottie Leroy Puff of Bow Drive, sent the town into a tizzy this evening after he took to hurling slices of the lunch meat at oncoming vehicles from the center of the roundabout at Hamilton and Clark State Roads.

The bizarre incident, which happened around 5:30 this evening, led to a vehicular collision when an unsuspecting motorist swerved to dodge the flying cold cut and collided with another vehicle. Fortunately, no serious injuries were reported, but both cars sustained damage.

Witnesses at the scene reported seeing Puff laughing hysterically and shouting indistinct remarks about the “power of bologna.”

The Gahanna Redneck Roundup Task Force, a division specialized in dealing with outlandish behavior, was quickly dispatched to the scene. However, by the time they arrived, Puff had already begun his hasty retreat. After a short chase on foot, Puff successfully eluded the task force, demonstrating surprising agility for a man of his stature.

The last confirmed sighting of Scottie Leroy Puff was near Katie’s Pizza, as he sprinted South on Hamilton Road, possibly seeking refuge or perhaps just another slice to add to his arsenal.

Residents are being advised to remain cautious and to report any sightings of Puff, described as having a wild glint in his eye and potentially still armed with cold cuts.

Lt. Sandra McGinnis of the Gahanna Redneck Roundup Task Force made a brief statement regarding the incident: “While some may find humor in Mr. Puff’s antics, this is a serious matter. Throwing objects at moving vehicles poses a significant danger. We’re doing everything in our power to apprehend him.”

Anyone with information on Puff’s whereabouts is urged to contact Lt. McGinnis on her personal cell at 248-434-5508. In the meantime, local drivers are being advised to remain vigilant and possibly steer clear of the deli aisle.

Please note that this picture of Puff is an older mugshot and his hair is a little bit more grey now.